wasting TIME reading
10 QUESTIONS FOR JOHN BOLTON
and none of them really matter to him or us
This is the feature where we interview controversial tyrants and war criminals by tossing them softballs.
YOU ONCE SAID THAT IF THE U.N. LOST 10 FLOORS "IT WOULDN'T MAKE A BIT OF DIFFERENCE." DON'T WORRY, WE AREN'T GOING TO ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT TERRORISM OR PUT YOU ON THE HOT SEAT FOR WHAT YOUR WORDS MAY HAVE APPEARED TO ADVOCATE. BUT DO YOU THINK THOSE FLOORS ARE EXPENDABLE? AND, IF SO, WHAT KIND OF FLOORS ARE THEY? WE LIKE HARD WOOD OURSELVES.
I'll show you some hard wood, heh-heh. They don't call me the Swingin' John Bolton for nothing.
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A FOLLOW UP TO THAT, OR LET'S PRETEND LIKE IT IS, WHAT HAS BEEN THE BIGGEST SUPRISE ABOUT THE JOB?
I'm very surprised by News Yorkers who come up to me in the street and say, "Hey, Janet Reno, you looked so much nicer without that milk mustache."
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WE LIVE IN LUCE'S SHADOW SO LET'S DO WAR TALK. IRAN CAN WE GO?
Sure.
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SOUNDS GOOD TO US. DO YOU EVER READ OUR '10 QUESTIONS' AND DO YOU AGREE THAT THEY READ LIKE QUESTIONS TOSSED OUT AT A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH NO FOLLOW UPS?
Sounds right to me.
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CAN WE CALL YOU JOLTIN' BOLTON?
No.
THANKS.
ONE THOUSAND AND SIXTY-FIVE DAYS TO GO
By NANCY GIBBS and MIKE ALLEN
It was so sad that Cheney was tongue-tied over shooting his friend on what may have been a beer soaked hunting trip. Dick Cheney was sad. Bully Boy was sad. Bully Boy said Harry Whittington was a friend of his "too." They were both sad.
We were sad too. Clouds "between Bushland and Cheneyland" always get us down. So do rainy days and Mondays.
Bully Boy and Cheney have "evolved," we tell you. Notice how we never really talked about Harry Whittington, we just mentioned his name. Our whole story is about how Cheney was slow to talk about Whittington. We pulled a Cheney ourselves. Only without the gun. And maybe without the booze. At any rate, we left the whole part out about how Bully Boy laughed and joked. Believe it or not, that actually ran in The New York Times. But to include it wouldn't allow for the somber tone we're going for here. Kind of melancholy, kind of a text version of Karen Carpenter's voice. Think of this as "Close to Bully." ("On the day that you were born . . ."
Joe Klein
Cheney's Thousand-Yard Stare
Where I get on my high horse about "a primal need" for media "circuses." Me, the guy who wrote Primary Colors and denied it repeatedly. Are you laughing? I'm banking. Big money. Clap for me, Vanna White, clap for me!
INSIDE THE SHOOTING
By John Cloud
I think it's kind of cute that my three page story has a photograph labeled "THE VICTIM" even though I never attempt to offer anything on Harry Whittington (other than that he's worked on prison reform). Want to know about the victim? Read something else. Here I just write a chronology of published accounts. Mary Matalin says that she "heard different versions of what had happened in the shooting." I put that in but I don't develop it, do I? I was too bothered by the photo of Katherine Armstrong. Does anyone else think she looks like a more wrinkled Victor Garber in drag? Hey, those photos, did you notice that of the three photos on the first two pages, the smallest one is the one of "the victim"? We used practically two-thirds of a page to show off stuffed dear heads. And the photo of the hunting party's own town crier is twice the size of the Whittington photo. Listen to me piss and moan about "geeky" questions some are asking. You think, if we presented Harry Whittington as a living, breathing human, people might even be more bothered by Cheney's actions? Us too. That's why we jerk off instead. "Accidents do and will happen." Where's the juke rag?
CROSSING THE LINES
By TIM MCGIRK
Can a manly man like me write about what it's like for women in a combat zone? Yes, I can. Especially if I rely on official spokespeople outside of Iraq and, in Iraq, give as much play to men in combat zones as to women. See women, they are strange. If I let them talk for themselves, we'd all be lost. So I need to bring in the men who are serving so we can follow the story. Besides, you know the gals, let 'em start yapping and they never shut up. It's that sort of keen insight that makes me the perfect reporter to write about women serving in Iraq. That and the fact that I carry on the brave Luce tradition of never exploring issues of how we got to war, only doing superficial, feel good pieces that make your heart thump and your Johnson stand up! For the ladies, this article has really sensitized me, I should say: superficial, feel good pieces that make your heart thump and make you want to run the kitchen to bake an apple pie. Writing this story really opened my eyes, as you can tell.
PLACE YOUR BETS
By RICHARD CORLISS and RICHARD SCHICKEL
Where two writers have six pages to explore the Oscar nominations and offer nothing more in depth than the stats you'd find on the back of a baseball card.
BEST ACTRESS
JESSICA vs. KATHY
JESSICA SIMPSON
Dukes of Hazzard
WHY SHE GOT THIS FAR: Hard work and talent on the part of this "pert, practical Southern girl" who can sing, dance, and act. Or tries to. In her Daisy Dukes or out of them, "it's hard to think of a more winning or comfortably graceful performance this year."
WHY SHE MIGHT NOT WIN: She lives in fear of the close up. Dukes was "energized only when" Simpson "was onscreen."
WHAT THE BUZZ IS SAYING: She and Nick Lachey broke up. She's a front runner . . . for soon to be forgotten.
WHAT SIMPSON IS SAYING: I was nominated for an Oscar? Wow. Wow. Hey, Nick, I was nominated . . . Nick? Where is Nick? Hey, where's Nick?
KATHY BATES
Capote
WHY SHE GOT THIS FAR: She's one of two nomiees to play a celebrity from the 1950s (the other is Resse Witherspoon as June Carter Cash), but Bates "dominates her film with an eerie force of personality as surely as Truman Capote commandeered Kansas when he was there researching his seminal book." (Hey, anybody know the title? Oh forget it, we probably don't have room in this six page piece to note it and nobody reads anyway which is why this six page feature is only about two-and-a-half pages of text and three-and-a-half pages of photos and illustrations.) "It's about as big a reach as any" actress "attempted in 2005."
WHY SHE MIGHT NOT WIN: "It's a wee little road movie" (say two wee little writers). And "an asteroid might destroy Planet Earth."
WHAT THE BUZZ IS SAYING: Terrific!
WHAT BATES IS SAYING: I think you guys are confused or stoned. Seriously, are you stoned?
CORRECTION TO THIS ARTICLE: Jessica Simpson was not nominated for Dukes of Hazzard. We called Simpson to apologize for our error and she responded, "Is it because of my nose?" Also, Philip Seymour Hoffman, not Kathy Bates, stars in Capote. We did not call Bates to apologize due to the rude comment she made suggesting we might be confused.
5 CDS YOU SHOULD NOT MISS
Though we offer no real reason why in these snap reviews that do, however, often offer you age, origin and sometimes both!
SHOUT OUT LOUDS HOWL HOWL
"this emotional Stockholm band"
CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH
"This Brooklyn band . . ."
THE GO! TEAM THUNDER, LIGHTNING STRIKE
"by female MC Ninja" Ninja, where you at?
CHRIS BROWN CHRIS BROWN
"At 15, Brown sounds" Chris, where you at?
LADY SOVERIGN VERTICALLY CHALLENGED
"This tiny London 19-year-old"
-- by Josh Tyrangiel
Essay
Mitchie Cu-cu-ottle
Why I Dumped Reality
Facts often interfere with my reality. That's why I'm happy to be fact free.
I'M IN LOVE WITH MY TV SCREEN. YES, IT'S A SQUARE. I'M
pretty sure there are newer models. But there's no resisting its charms. It never tires of airing conventional wisdom and I live and breathe conventional wisodm. It knows all the tricks to couch this potato!
And gasbag after gasbag trots across the screen saying exactly what I would say if I was on TV more often.
Admittedly, I watch a lot of tapes of my own appearances. I really enjoy a 2002 appearance with Howie where I managed to slime Al Gore and act like I wasn't doing it. Remember, he was saying, before we invaded Iraq, that it would be a distraction to the hunt for Osama and the war on terror? My rag slammed him for it because we have the war lust, it gets our loins all itchy. Anyway, check me out: "I kind of disagree on the context of the editorial, but I think the vast majority of the staff believes this was the bitter rantings of a guy who is being politically motivated and disingenuous in his arguments." "The bitter rantings of guy who is being politically motivated and disingenuous in his arguments" and I say, "I kind of disagree" -- kind of! Dig me, the comedian! I crack myself up.
I think it's real cute the way my rag led the nation into war and didn't explore dissent then (suck on it, Arundhati Roy, suck on it!) and even as late as last year (in "Wrong Way") we were telling those who questioned the war to shut up. That Amy Goodman always goes on about how if we can't address the war before the war and we can't address it during the war, when can we address it? Never, Amy! Never!
She really ticks me off. Especially when I see Chris interviewing her. If there's going to be a woman interviewed by Chris Matthews, it damn well better be me. Didn't I do a great job writing about the runaway bride? Wasn't that the most pressing issue of the day? I'm a serious journalist who isn't afraid to to act like the last guest on The Mike Douglas Show as I name drop "Jeb" in a familiar way. I'm practically an honorary Gabor sister!
What was I writing about? Oh well, most people don't read me and those who do go out of their way to give me shout outs and props just for showing up! I'm a war gangsta', baby, got my war on -- or strapped on!
[John Bolton illustration by Isaiah and from his The World Today Just Nuts.]
