The Regressive (Parody)

The Regressive

The online site of the monthly Regressive.

"September 21st, International Day of Peace"
by Matthew Rothschild

At almost every convention center I stumble into there's a group of freaks, someone or another wearing Vulcan ears or dressed like a Klingon.
If you haven't had the pleasure of enduring these freaks, please let me unload.
Here's what the Trekies breathe:
Star Trek was a bonafide hit that was wrongly cancelled.
Bones was just "a doctor, for God sakes, Jim!"
And Princess Lea was the hottest thing to ever strut the halls of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
On top of that, the insist that Dr. Smith was gay.
I'm amazed that anyone would talk about a subject I have no interest in or knowledge of.
Suddenly, everyone's a Star Trek expert.
People who never even studied astronmy think they have a right to weigh in on this space show.
Problem is, the network cancelled Star Trek and it was never heard from again. So they can go on and on about Wookies and light sabers, but it ain't bringing Star Trek back.
Jerry Van Dyke does not want to play Captain Kirk again.
I made a few calls myself, including to George Lucas, and I asked him, "George Lucas, do you want to do Star Trek again?" He replied, "Again?" So I could tell he was really pondering it. Then he asked me how I got his number and said he had no interest in doing Star Trek "Again or ever. Please don't call."
See, that's what these kooks do. They even upset George Lucas, the man who gave them Star Trek. They upset him so bad when that, when a journalist such as myself calls, he has to worry that I might be one of those kooks.
Of course, any Trekie worth his or her weight in outerspace will claim that all the people saying the show was cancelled are in on some plot.
And that I am in on it, too.
Get over it!
George Lucas has blocked my calls.
My research shows that the guru of the Trekie movement is one Sheryl Harris.
She's not alone of course. A myriad of websites devote themselves to this subject, like Dark Thoughts which purports to show the cast of the series. I've only seen four minutes of one episode of Star Trek but even I know that's not the cast. Heck, I interviewed Sulu himself not that long ago.
Harris and other leftwing conspiracy theorists put the two together, and voila. They're spouting off claims like, "My name is Sheryl Harris and I have been a major Star Wars fan ever since Episode 1 .All the movies are so cool and I can't wait for Revenge of the Sith. I am so glad George Lucas decided to put the Star Wars premieres in May because that is the month my birthday is in which is May 25. I am 18 this year and I saw Episode 3 on May 21 two days after it comes out which made my 17th birthday really fun and a great memory."
All the movies are cool? Harris, it was a TV show! Star Trek was a TV show! "Star Trek," Harris, not "Star Wars." They don't even bother to learn the title of the show they're in love with.

Click here to cotinue reading the rest of my 7,352 word essay celebrating International Peace Day.
And I've a kicked me a hornet's nest, I have. Click here to read all the comments my attention getting post has garnered.


And don't forget to check out Ruth Conniff:
"As A Progressive, I Support Third Parties and Am Full of Great, Supportive, Nurturing Advice for Greens and Others"
If there is a Green Party candidate who is running against an atrocious conservative Democrat than by all means that's a great person to support.
Click here to continue reading Ruth's helpful voting tips for third party voters.

And remember that Ruth's been getting jiggy wit it! Her new album White Middle Class, Middle-Aged, Mothers Can't Hog Up Enough Attention So I Recorded An Entire CD Of Songs For Women Like Me, By Women Like Me, About Women Like Me has just released it's third non-hit single, "Dreams of the Every Day Soccer Momma (From Pilates to Jamboree)." And check out the Wee-Wee!-Ennui dance mix that's sure to have you booth dancing in the Olive Garden! Ruth's hoping to next team up with the Docker Boy for a duet about a man and a woman in mild, shallow like with each other.

Plus, we got a new kid. Don't remember his name, but it's important to have new blood and to let young readers know we're interested in them. So I hired a super-fly dude who can tell you how it's hanging and get all Izzy with the Risotto and then some! Click here to check him out.